Images courtesy of Legend Story Studios

Five Heroes, Tons of Regrets, and Infinite Property Damage

Greetings and salutations my fabulous FAB folks! This week we’re experimenting with something… a little weird, but hopefully fun.

Let’s say you’re heading out of town for the weekend. You’ve got a cozy apartment, a slightly neurotic cat, a plant you keep forgetting to water, and maybe a fridge full of leftover pho you were really looking forward to. Naturally, you need someone to house-sit.

Unfortunately, the only people available are heroes from the world of Rathe. And not the sensible ones like Oldhim or Iyslander. We’re talking the kind of folks who will turn your living room into an incident report.

So here it is. The top five Flesh and Blood heroes you should absolutely, under no circumstances, leave in charge of your home.

#5 – Arakni, Marionette

You don’t even remember asking Arakni to house-sit. You just came home, and they were already there.

The place is spotless. Too spotless. Like “forensics might get suspicious” spotless. You open the pantry and find your spices alphabetized, color-coded, and classified by “volatility.” The walls have been scrubbed. The dishes are stacked with military precision. Someone sewed tiny little spider-silk curtains for the spice rack.

You’re grateful, but you’re also deeply uncomfortable. And then you see the note. A small piece of parchment on your pillow that simply reads, “You are safe… for now. -X”

Despite what the note says, your cat won’t stop hissing at dark corners and constantly sprints past every vent.

You try to forget the note. However, you feel like several knives are missing and every time you close the cabinet with the spice rack, it’s open again in the morning.

#4 – Dash, Inventor Extraordinaire

At first, you wanted to believe Dash would be fine. She seemed responsible. High-tech. Polished. But four hours in, and she’s hacked your wi-fi, replaced your thermostat with a Plasma Mainline, and modified your Roomba into a mechanized death trap that identifies itself as “Carl” when you ask about it. Sure, you gave her the wi-fi password before you left. Regardless, she hacked it anyway for practice.

By the time you get home, the house smells like ozone and melted solder. Every electronic you own has been upgraded, but none of them work unless you speak fluent binary. Your fridge only opens after you solve a logic puzzle, and your toothbrush has a kill switch. What’s worse, there’s now a blood feud between “Carl” and your poor cat.

You do appreciate the solar panels she installed on your balcony. But the entire living room now runs on steam, and that feels like a long-term issue.

FYI – “Carl” has declared independence. He controls the living room now.

#3 – Kayo, Armed and Dangerous

You kind of knew what you were getting into with Kayo as soon as you saw his weird looking boots and that pouch with the bone dice. You figured the missing arm was none of your business, and you didn’t think the dice thing would actually matter.

Oh boy, were you wrong.

From the start, he promised to roll for everything. Whether or not to answer the door. Or water the plants. He even said he’d roll for what to feed the cat or whether or not to open that weird letter from your landlord marked “urgent.”

And he did. Of course, the Brute also rolled ones. On everything.

You return to several broken windows, a sink flooded due to a highly questionable clog, and your front door gone. Not broken, not sitting off its hinges. Gone.

Also, there’s a very confused golden retriever in your apartment that definitely wasn’t yours when you left. Kayo says her name is Tina, and that she’s a “loot drop.”

Congrats. You’re a dog owner now. The cat is not happy about this development.

The good news? You’ve got a new dog, and she seems sweet, despite her confusion. The bad news? Apparently, he won Tina in a fistfight with your neighbor. Who hasn’t been seen since.

The worst part of it all? He definitely ate your pho.

#2 – Levia, Shadowborn Abomination

Tentacles or not, Levia actually means well. She really does. But there’s no way she’s getting through the weekend without triggering a little blood debt. And when that inevitably happens… well, things get messy. Very messy.

You’ll come back to find her scrubbing the kitchen counters, trying to remove the abyssal ichor coating them. The bathtub will be full of screaming shadows that don’t leave when you turn on the lights. Your couch has been replaced with a weird, writhing pile of banished cards and regret.

And your cat? She’s hiding somewhere in the ceiling tiles, hissing at everything. Including you.

Admittedly, Levia isn’t destructive on purpose. She’s just got a lot going on. Trauma. Demons. Trauma because of demons. Probably some unresolved feelings about Chane. You can’t fault her for that stuff, but you can absolutely fault her for what she did to your air fryer.

Never… again…

Unfortunately, when you tried to throw out the air fryer, it somehow came back. It seems to have eaten the new one too, judging by the metal and plastic scraps scattered around it. In the end, you decide it’s probably safer to keep it.

#1 –Betsy, Skin in the Game

For some reason, you thought Betsy would be reliable. You obviously didn’t have time for a background check before leaving, but hey, she’s a seasoned veteran, right? A no-nonsense (you assume) gladiator. A woman with some kind of vague schedule, a big grin, and at least one scar that has a backstory involving an axe and a vendetta.

That assumption didn’t survive the first hour.

Naturally, the neighbors start calling before you even hit the freeway. There’s loud music and someone shouting something about a blood pact to “protect the cul-de-sac” in the background. One guy swears he saw Betsy hosting a drinking contest in your garage with six grown men in leather, your cat, and a raccoon. No one knows where the raccoon came from.

By the time you return, your home smells like bourbon, blood, and hardwood polish. Your liquor’s gone. Your dining table’s been reassembled into a makeshift throne. The hallway mirror is shattered, your cat is missing several whiskers and somehow smells faintly of whiskey-glazed ham. There’s a dent in the fridge that vaguely resembles Betsy’s forehead, and the landlord left a note on your door that just says, “Thanks?”

Frankly, you don’t know what she did, and you’re scared to ask. And honestly? You’re kind of impressed.

Next time you need a house-sitter, you’re seriously considering hiring the raccoon though.

Final Thoughts

Leaving your home in the hands of one of these Flesh and Blood heroes is a mistake you’d only make once. Some of them mean well. Others are barely housebroken. (Looking at that clog, Kayo…) But none of them should be trusted with your cat, your new dog, your liquor cabinet, or anything you ever hope to use again.

Got a different hero you think would destroy your apartment in the weirdest way possible? Drop a comment or hit me up on Discord, Twitter, or BlueSky as Dracohominis87 and let me know.

And if you like this kind of content, check out the Siblings in Cardboard Podcast, a weekly pod where my friends and I talk market trends, latest news, gameplay updates, and all things Flesh and Blood, with the same vibe you’ve come to expect from me here.

Until next time, may your Roomba stay loyal and your house stay Betsy-free.

Looking to get into Flesh and Blood? Check out our complete beginner’s guide.